I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
