I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
