So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Panties = found
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
