just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
