Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
