even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
