That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
