I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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