69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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