My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
