That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
