"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
