i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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