I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
