Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
