My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
