This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
