Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
