I heard we made out
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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