I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
