I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
