Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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