I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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