I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
