It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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