I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
