So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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