the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
