Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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