When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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