Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
