some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
