My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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