He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
