tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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