The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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