the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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