wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
