Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
