I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
