I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
