conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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