bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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