Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
