my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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