Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
