My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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