Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
