I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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