420 ftw
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
