I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
