I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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